#it's hard because i literally cannot pinpoint it and sometimes i get overwhelming feelings that switch so often that they confuse me so idk

[friend-of-a-cat]

The Gender Crisis™ is still Gender Crisising™ but I don't have time for that right now lmao.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Nikaidou Kouhei

I’m so sorry you had to wait for so long, boo, but if you see it I hope you’ll like it! Absolutely agreed on that Nikaidou deserves much love too! Please enjoy ♡  You can check tosikowrites tag for more.  Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Before the unfortunate incident with Ogata and the bear happened, Nikaidou was such a braggart both about himself and his amazing s/o. They are the best around. He is one lucky guy to have them as a partner.

His main love language was going overboard with praise and physical touch. Not a day went by without Nikaidou paying at least one sweet compliment to the subject of his adoration. In addition, his face lighted up when they praised him for anything, be it his soldier's courage or deep dark eyes. Sometimes their dialogue turned into a verbal duel over who will overcompliment whom and it could last for half of the hour until one of them just started spilling the dumbest figures of speech imaginable.

But after the incident, things changed. Now he is all distant and quiet and then in a blink of an eye manic one running around in a stupefying delirium. When the painful realization of the horrors he and his poor brother endured becomes too clear, too close, Nikaidou’s whole world shrinks to the neck of a morphine bottle.

Physical contact? Well... After another maim, it is better to refrain from touching his bare skin altogether. But when Nikaido calms down (with the help of morphine or on his own), you can try to hug him and pat him on the head. Nikaidou himself refrains from initiating anything physical since the absence of his hand leaves him feeling less of a man and makes full-fledged embrace impossible. It truly saddens him.

In general, without his wonderhat and prostheses, Nikaidou feels extremely vulnerable and any touch of the skin near the supposed location of the ear, a stump of an arm or leg burns him like a red-hot iron. It is enormously aching, but for their sake, he can ignore it for a while. Their care is a medicine that is always in abundance but he is not the most compliant patient.

Once in a blue moon, he decides to give them a gift. The last one was made by Edogai. His fancy gloves of dubious origin have no frills, but are very pleasant to the touch, solid and hard. He has a hat, they have gloves, they match perfectly!

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Quite literally friendship-emotional-rollercoaster. Becoming friends with Nikaidou is easy but maintaining this friendship requires effort. It most likely originated in cold soldiers' barracks from occasional small talk about the harshness of military life. As expected, Kouhei’s friend is Yuhei’s friend too, - find trouble, make it double, - making them a famous trio of rascals that brings nothing but distress to other soldiers.

Prior to the loss of the ear, scalp, arms, legs, brother, a good chunk of sanity Nikaidou would like to hang out almost every day, drinking, visiting geishas, sitting on the war department porch, and enjoying heated debate about the future attack. Picking on others is also one of their favorite activities. A little bit of gossiping? Yes, please. Do I need to mention they usually get to serve detention together as well.

After numerous injuries, he gets an unpleasant pulling sensation in the abdomen when the thought of losing them pops In his head. Nikaidou can afford one more limb being cut off thanks to confidence in Arisaka’s natural ingenuity but losing them? Not like they can be replaced by anyone. Moreover, they are dear to his heart because they are a living reminder of the deceased brother.

Lets them talk into the ear and translates whatever comes from it as a form of… conversation. Nikaidou looks like he is about to throw a tantrum when he once again has to work with Usami or Kikita instead of his dear friend. They are also the one Tsukishima can turn to when Lieutenant Tsurumi isn’t around and Nikaidou refuses to give up a bottle of morphine.

Friendship with him is like talking to a different person every time. He is an irrepressible optimist, a child in a crippled body, that shares frightening thoughts about capturing the Immortal Sugimoto. He is also an anxious tangle of nerves hiding from the daylight like it will burn him alive. He is also a serious veteran that will shot the enemy on the spot if they get too close to him or them.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Pick a wrong time and you’ll get to cuddle a wood log instead of a breathing human being. It is a matter of luck and good timing instead of a cute date idea with a loved one. Nikaidou, if in a playful mood, would tease his s/o pretending he has no idea what they want from him. Maybe, they want to shake his hand? Real one or a wood one? As soon as they make a move, he will crawl away with a wide snide smile on his pale face. Eventually, Nikaidou will surrender to their mercy and tight overwhelming embrace but before that happens, he will have some fun playing naïve dummy. Any other time when Nikaidou is obsessing over random idee fixe he will ignore any attempts to cuddle him and even may jump away from them like from the flame. His perception of the touch varies depending on the mood it seems.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

To keep it short, no. Nothing and no one can convince Nikaidou that he has even the slightest chance of becoming a family man. The very thought of something like this makes him burst into hysterical laughter. He is not suitable for this, it is not worth trying so broken man Nikaidou has already joined Ogata’s little I’d Rather Kick A Bucket Than Settle Down club. Mediocre in both cleaning and cooking, doesn’t need constant persuasion to do either.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Endured torment reduced the potential emotional pain to almost non-existing so it won't be difficult for Nikaidou to just leave, to cut them off for their own good. The assumption that they need to end the relationship indicates a major shifting in Nikaidou’s life (maybe, he already knows that his life will end this evening) but at this point, the break-up doesn’t seem like a significant event anymore. Heavily sedated he mutters something unintelligible and then with Arisaka’s bayonet precision cuts the rubbish and announces that they are no longer a couple, they won’t see each other, they should not look for each other under any circumstances, and walks away. No hesitation, no doubts, only humility and disconnection.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Would love to get married someday, spend the rest of his life with a loved one far away from the horrors of war and the gold hunt. However, its possibility seems so elusive and unattainable that Nikaidou decided to put this thought on the back-burner. Now his mind is preoccupied with the desire to slit Sugimoto the Immortal open so even if there is a loved one by his side Nikaidou is highly unlikely to propose. Any hints and mentions of the wedding fly into one ear and fly out of the other.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Nikaidou began to appreciate moments of vulnerability and gentleness after life dumped the pile of shit on him. The tides of tenderness are always unexpected but most often they happen in the middle of the night when he jumps up drenched in a cold sweat from a nightmare. That’s when he snuggles closer to them like a child scared by dreadful thunderclaps and branched lightning. There are not so many things he needs to be happy: a gentle kiss on the top of the head would do just fine. Nikaidou also shows his soft side when the silly childish nature overcomes the bereaved byproduct of the war he has become. Then life seems a little more fun for him, and even more pleasant with their fingers squeezed in his hand. Otherwise, he is completely closed off both physically and emotionally and if confronted can’t even figure out what a person wants from him.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Each of their meetings awakens an irresistible desire in Nikaidou to embrace them in his arms and spin them around to the sound of their ringing laughter. However, as soon as he leans forward, slightly bends the knees so they can jump up for a hug, invisible threads pull him back. You can pinpoint an exact moment when it hits him that Nikaidou awkwardly straightens up and looks bewildered for where to put his hands.  In addition, he feels guilty either for the fact that he cannot give what they are asking for or for that he is so self-critical. If they still decide to take the initiative and hug him Nikaidou will not protest. So to say he never hugs them first but will return a hug half of the time.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It doesn’t take him long to confess, I’d say, time ranges from three to six months. Since Nikaidou quickly becomes comfortable with patient people who return his love, he will not miss the moment to mention how he feels. Each of his declarations of love is unique. Sometimes Nikaidou grabs them by the hand and runs away into the sunset to recite a verse in a secluded corner. Sometimes he spins around with puppy delight and chatters nonsense, mixing it with I love you. I really do. Did I tell you that I love you? Wait, did I? It’s impossible to get a serious confession from him even when Nikaidou gives the impression of a collected person. Absolutely ecstatic when his s/o whispers sweet nonsense and words of love into his ear. You can see it by the changes on his hat.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Nikaidou is one of those people who can go batshit crazy in the blink of an eye because of one wrong word. Even silence in combination with an appraising gaze flares him up like a red rag does so on a bull and there is no going back from this point. He is laconic. No empty threats, no long prelude. Once Nikaidou draws out a knife it’s between his rival and God. This man doesn’t mind getting messy since every outrageous deed of his will be blamed either on painkillers or someone else. Tsurumi probably won’t want him to end up behind bars or on the scaffold.

Won’t ever accuse his s/o of being unfaithful and will turn blind eye to red flags because… Perhaps he is simply not ready to lose another loved one. Without realizing it, Nikaidou ignores veiled disparaging phrases and undisguised interest in someone else for the sake of peace of mind.

That doesn’t mean he won’t kick man’s ass to prevent subsequent misunderstandings.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Messy, greedy, and ingratiating. He was pretty popular among girls way back in time so you can call him an experienced one and it shows. When Nikaidou is struck by unexpected amorousness in public, he will occasionally plant a kiss on his s/o’s cheek or shoulder. No, social unacceptability does not matter at all in a face of his feelings. In private he is just uncontrollable: Nikaidou goes from kisses to bites back to nibbling exploring them from head to toes. Prefers to kiss his s/o behind the ears, on clavicles, grooves between the ribs, etc. Any place where there is almost nothing between the bone and the covering skin makes his neurons fire additional dopamine. At the same time, he can be wayward about being kissed so the safest options are kisses on the cheek or nose.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

I have reasonable doubts that any mother would want their kids to hand out around such a seasoned soldier as Nikaidou is but if it ever happened, they would have a fun time together. He turns into an absolute sweetheart when a little child grabs him by the hand and drag him along to show some sloppy hand-made craft. Even if Nikaidou tried to be harsh and unapproachable, his mask would fly off as soon as a high-pitched voice asked to play tag. Nevertheless, he prefers to stay away from kids to avoid scaring them with whatever frightening that could break through in his behavior. No need to give little one a recurring nightmare about limbs occasionally falling off to rumbling mirthless laughter. Never thought about having kids of his own but would definitely ponder if his s/o brought up this question. So, maybe, they and one or two cute little girls could make a perfect family?

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

They are erratic. To begin with, Nikaidou rarely spends nights with his loved one so catching him in the early hours is a tall tale. Much more often he visits them at lunchtime or even later in the afternoon having already fulfilled the plan to vex the top of the division. His mood has already dropped from a mania mark to ecstasy or normal level of excited agility making Nikaidou a skilled handyman, a voluble interlocutor, and an ardent lover three in one. While there is a free minute, he wants to mend creaking boards in the hallway right after describing the latest adventures in the smallest detail. May kiss them now and there between looking for the right tools and starring outside for a few sec. Overall Nikaidou endeavors to get the best of hours spent together.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Just like with mornings, staying over in his loved one’s place is a gemlike rarity. By the end of the day Nikaidou still in full swing and keeps the same attitude as earlier. When his battery finally dies, he turns into sluggish sessile mollusca Nikaidou homebodius that refuses to leave the secure shellhouse even if they beg him tearfully. Since outdoor activities are no longer an option, his s/o can try reading out loud, playing different board games, or chatting. Sleep quickly overpowers Nikaidou and he drags his loved one to bed or, if they don’t really want to sleep, tricks them into sitting next to him while he is peacefully dozing off.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Before the accident, he doesn’t feel the need to talk through every little event that happened to him during the conscious years of his life. If they ask specific questions, Nikaidou will still describe the past in general. The childhood did not differ from theirs, filled with small problems and big discoveries (as for a child). Teenage years? Well, nothing special, been there, done this… Neither he asks too much about his partner's past.

After all of the shit he endured, suspicion forces Nikaidou to always be alert and keep the banalest things to himself. You have to be a trusted person with a big T for him to open up at his own will.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

In a relatively safe environment and next to a loved one Nikaidou lowers his guard and allows himself to be amiable despite all irritants. He is too tired to worry, too tired to resort to passive aggression leave alone yell at them or show his anger in any other way so expect small sighs as a reaction to most stupid mistakes. Sometimes he just bursts out laughing instead of commenting on another misunderstanding. They may raise their voice in exasperation and Nikaidou would rather meekly look down than do the same in response. In a relationship, making him angry is not an easy task.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Nikaidou has a very selective memory which requires a strong emotional outburst to remember a thing. No matter how important it is in the eyes of his loved one or even in his own without proper reinforcement he won’t memorize it. For example, hypothetically and forgetting how he feels about the idea of family and marriage, on his wedding day he is overflowing with real solid happiness so naturally, this significant date will be engraved in his memory for life. Yet an important statement thrown in the boring conversation is unlikely to catch his attention. He pays little attention to anniversaries, remembers their birthday 5 times out of 10, and honestly is ok if they are just as thoughtful.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first moment of non-sexual intimacy like bathing together. It left Nikaidou speechless in unsuspected awkwardness of being perceived as he is, without the chance to hide or leave. For the first time in a while, he finds himself wondering what another person thinks of him, what sees in from of them, what feels toward him. Thanks to their love Nikaidou finds himself comfortable in his skin and a little more grounded. In a good way.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Congratulations on acquiring the iron man of the century with a wide range of body modifications to make this life safer for you and your loved ones. He won’t think twice to use Arisaka’s creations, both mechanisms hidden in the limbs and simply rifles created by his design, to disintegrate the slightest threat to his dearest. Not everybody around is seen as an enemy even though Nikaidou is terrified of losing them especially taking into account the unfolding carnage. Won’t ever ask them to protect him, won’t let them do it under any circumstances and if they show willfulness, he will surely scold them after a scrape.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Thinking ahead is the fate of weaklings. He has thought out one or two dates before realizing how tedious they appear so after that Nikaidou decided to invest only in the form of spur-of-the-moment ideas. Remembers about the anniversary if his loved one hints at it coming but diligently picks up a classic gift for them under the supervision of Tsukishima or Tsurumi himself. Likes to do chores? Hell yeah. When in a good mood Nikaidou can replace a whole group of handymen.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Not particularly that ugly? This is a problem that seeps into everyday life slowly and imperceptibly but sooner or later his small misdemeanors in everyday social interactions start to show. He misses one social cue, makes the situation kind of uncomfortable but doesn’t notice it until someone cautiously points it out. He tends to interrupt mid-sentence, often gets lost in thoughts and it puzzles him if a person finds it rude. Nikaidou navigates in society more or less successfully but can inadvertently bring a little awkwardness to the group.

Well, he is prone to all sorts of addiction. Not only painkillers. Any stupefying substance is at risk of transitioning from I’ll try it once just to know what’s like to I’ll go commit multiple atrocities if I don’t find a bottle or two.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

You probably don't expect to hear it, but outside the usual rush, Nikaidou prefers to keep himself neat and clean despite his style being on the weirder end of the style. He takes good care of his wooden limbs and repairs minor injuries himself. If the damage is done is beyond the limits of his capabilities, Nikaidou has no problem with asking Arisaka for a replacement. Definitely gets attached to clothes from his meager wardrobe easily.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

One of those people who won’t have energy left to go on without them. It’s misery. The devastation. The finish line right before the steep cliff that you don't have a spare second to stop from flying out into the abyss. Thirst for revenge helped him get back on his feet after losing his twin brother, who knows if it works twice. Overpowering sorrow sends Nikaidou into a frenzied episode of weeping and sobbing, he screams and wails like a wounded animal. If their killer is still around, he’ll try to cut them open in a fit of blind rage.

May fall in short psychosis and spend days sitting by their lifeless body, caressing heavy cold hands and peering in their lifeless eyes. Irreversibility of what is done hits him hard leading to gradual burnout.

And if they decide to leave him Nikaidou will hold a grudge. Everything is far from being as bad as in the previous scenario though, he just wants some space and everybody to shut the hell up as he stabs random objects. Secretly hopes for them to change their mind and come back. Somehow feels guilty about not being good enough.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

After 15 minutes of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I have none. Sorry!

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

It goes without saying changing Nikaidou is a waste of time like he is far from being a malleable clay and even further from mulling about adapt to someone's tastes. The thought is so bizarre that it fails to reach his subcortical structures and even if it did Nikaidou would rather flip a table and jump out of the window than agree to that idea.

The cold aloof type doesn’t get a pass either since without some effort on the part of the other person, they won’t pass the greeting milestone. Good luck in staring from afar as he evanesces with someone else's riffle running away from jaded Tsukishima.

People accustomed to planning every second of their lives with the scrupulousness of a busy businessman will have a hard time dealing with spontaneous shifts in Nikaidou’s mood and schedule. Half of the time he has a problem drawing a clock if you know what I mean.

Sugimoto’s relatives lmao, Nikaidou would definitely doesn’t like that in a partner.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Turns into an unmovable stone by ten and passes out with clenching on their hand using it as a pledge of good sleep. If he did not manage to fall asleep, it means that Nikaidou could not spend all his energy during the day and will have to do this in the middle of the night. Don’t be surprised if you wake up to a newly planted garden or Nikaidou stuck in the roof. No, I don’t know how.

Dreams mostly about his brother. Surprisingly, nightmares rarely bother him and Youhei appears in bright scenes, basically, in an alternative universe where they never have joined the army and stayed forever in the fondest hometown. After such dreams, Nikaidou wakes up with an unpleasant feeling of a lump in his throat but at the same time, even such an illusory meeting with his brother gives him the strength to keep going.

Indecisive whether he prefers to sleep with prostheses on or not. Prostheses on and Nikaidou is ready to protect and attack at any time but he would not want to make them uncomfortable

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

[hiselanne]

7 Essential Questions to ask thyself

Talking to yourself is not a weird thing but generally a good thing to get to know more about yourself. It is how you nourish your intrapersonal communication that affects everything that you do in life.

What are the questions that you can ask yourself to deeply understand how you feel and what are things you think would give you fulfillment?

This blog may be helpful to those who are lost and confused about what they really want or want to do in life.

There are possible ways on how you can recreate yourself to keep growing and become the best version of yourself because the reality is, we are all unique in every way. To go deeper into your inner self and discover a lot of possibilities, you may write down and try to answer the following questions that will help you achieve your wants, needs, dreams and aspiration in building yourself. (It'd be better if you have a journal for this.)

1. Who and what do I want to become?

This question may be quite broad but through your past and current experiences, you can list down all your likes and interests.

I know each and every one of us have a dream. It may be wanting to becoming a successful engineer, a young-billionaire, a UNICEF- Ambassador, or maybe someone who only wants to own a farm. Whether small or big, it still is a dream. It sets us to become determined, directed, inspired and motivated. After all, our self-fulfillment varies individually.

Imagine who you are, and what you possibly would be doing 5 to 10 years from now. Dream and visualize. If you don’t know where you are right now, think about the things that you love and begin with them.

2. What are the things that you want to learn?

We know that education is a continuous process. Whether you already attained the highest degree of education, we should never stop learning because learning is always associated with growing. You stop learning, you stop growing.

Choose any field of knowledge that you would like to add up to your credentials to help sharpen your mind and improve your cognitive,affective, and performance skills.

You may also list down any experience that you want to acquire like, attending musical workshops, art class and so on. This is also beneficial in many aspects of our being.

We should always be driven to gain and learn new things.

You may also add this question to be more specific:

Aside from the skills you have right now, what are other skills that you wanted to acquire?

List down as many as you can and you may also classify them whether it is a business skill, leadership skill, creativity skills and etc.

3. What are the good things about you that will remind yourself that you are good enough and worthy?

In identifying ourselves in the midst of our goal and aspiration, sometimes it may be overwhelming because nothing worth comes easy. Before we get to accomplish big things, we have to try and work hard for it, to keep us motivated and avoid being drowned in our own negativity, self-doubt or overthinking, enlighten yourself by writing all the good things you know about yourself, you may refer to your own character,positive traits, past experiences,current achievements and learnings. Creating and refocusing a brighter mind-set is the key to keep you driven and feel good about yourself. As much as possible avoid comparing yourself to other accomplished people. (I myself am quite guilty of this) But this is normal and completely fine and as much as possible, try not to think about it often. After all, it is just a temporary sign of vulnerability and a proof that we are all just human. So forgive yourself for that matter. Focus on what you are up to.

4. What is/are your specific dream/s? Are you committed to make it/ them real?

(I haven't literally written down my answer yet but I have it in mind.)

In achieving a goal we always apply the principle of SMART ( I’m neither a financial adviser nor a successful preacher but in my P.E class we always apply these principles in physical training of students, for them to achieve their target fitness goal)

SMART stands for:

S-pecific

M-easurable

A-chievable

R-ealistic

T-ime bounded

These principles are general and can be applied in anything that we want to achieve, may it be about your business venture, results in exam, or career goals.

Yes, it’s important that we should be specific in our goals to set a clear direction and procedure to attain it, and we can only have a certain chance of success if we commit ourselves to it. It may require lots of attempts, a lot of sacrifices. But these are things that make success a lot more worthy in the end.

If it’s a dream, you do what ever it takes to take it. If you don’t, it’s just a wish.

5. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

We are all guilty of our insecurities. Insecurities attack in many forms according to psychology but since this is only a personal view of mine, I will not elaborate it.

In embracing oneself and to fully understand where we are coming from, we should be aware and be truthful about our ups and downs. Nobody is perfect and what we can only do is to embrace that we are perfectly imperfect!

When we take note of these things, we are able to realize and accept our whole self and when it happens, nothing can go wrong and against us.

Tip: Try to write them in a chart so that you will be able to think about ways to enrich your strength and deal with your weaknesses.

6. What is stopping you from doing what you want to do?

When we don't have full control of ourselves we easily get distracted, frightened and discouraged to do the unknown things.

List them down so that you can pinpoint your "do's" and trim down your "donts" that takes you away from being the GOLD that you are meant to be.

7. What do you hate and love about yourself?

We have to face it, that we have a side of us that we love and the side of us that we don't. The only way to conquer ourselves is to accept our nature and limits and use them to be limitless.

Yes, you've read it right, it's quite contradicting but the only way to go beyond our limits is to accept it and when we already know how to deal with it, we become free and feel limitless ( in a sense that the things we hate will never be used against us to restrict us from doing the things we love and dream)

By the way, if you have already listed the things you love about yourself,give yourself credit, compliment yourself, (ex: I am artistic,I can dance and write songs, I'm also good in Geometry,I am so creative) and about the things that you hate, feel what you want to feel but always remind yourself that it is totally okay. Forgive yourself for being so hard and try to loosen up. Cry or lament about it, but always remember that it doesn't make you worthless and a bad person, so again, IT'S OKAY. Give yourself a time to heal and accept what you cannot change and improve what you can.

These questions are only guide that may help you when you feel like you can't figure out yourself in the middle of circumstances that are beyond your control, and after dealing and trying to answer these, you will feel a lot better.

In difficult times, it's not bad to put ourselves first above everything else. We only have one life and the only way to live it well is to do what makes and would make us happy, fulfilled and at peace.

Make it a habit to say or write something good about yourself every time you wake up or before beginning your daily routine,whatever you're doing, as long as it makes you happy, go for it. There is no small or big effort because we've got our own purpose in this world.

We've got different lives to live and path to take but what truly matters is the love we get from one self and other people who are dear to us.

Love,

[sunshinexlollipops]

hey, @verai-marcel -- thanks for including me on this post! (and sorry, I've got a long addition to make! 😭)

as an author who writes mostly angst, and is known for her angst stories, I hope I can give a couple of pointers to anon on how to try and capture the more negative emotions to a storyline.

personally, I feel that a lot of people are intimidated by angst for a couple of reasons.

one being that some people don't want to upset their readers. that is a completely understandable worry, but I can assure you if you do your angst right, readers will not come for your head.

two being that a lot of people personally don't want to write angst. either because they are worried that a darker story is harder to write, or because most people want to avoid writing a negative tones or even story lines.

in general, angst is a very good story tool for an author to use. it can a hundred percent emotionally charge your reader if you do it right. I found that a story tends to have a higher connection with readers on an emotional level if you write angst.

here's the rules that I try and follow when writing angst:

is this just to cause an emotional response/hurt within the reader?

if yes, then don't write what you're considering. don't be malicious with your writing.

(as verai also mentioned) is your angst rationalized and supported in the story?

this relates to rule 1, as some authors will throw angst into their stories just for the shock factor of it. if it isn't natural or expected, don't write it!

what type of angst are you going for?

this can be crucial. firstly, you want to set boundaries for how far your angst will go. for this, what are you putting your character or even your reader through?

is the main character going to lose their job and worry about bills? or is it more serious: like one of the characters passes away and the story focuses on the grief following the loss.

finding the tone of and depth of how your angst will affect the story will pinpoint what angst you are okay with implementing into the story, and how you can showcase it to your reader.

don't forget: it's not always going to be sad or full of hardship.

like real life, even when things are hard or sad, there are still going to be moments where things are lighter, or better.

not only do you not want to overwhelm readers, it's not wholly realistic to completely remove someone of hope or happiness. even in the darkness there are blips of light, and you want to remind the character and your readers that not all is lost.

a true, good ending will almost be like a compromise of emotions.

when writing major angst, just remember that to an extent, you cannot forget what your character has gone through. especially if it's something tough.

if they come out on the other side victorious, it will not be without scars (or sometimes even trauma).

it's not to sour a happy ending, but to not completely dismiss what had happened before the storm was over.

"what didn't kill me made me stronger" is a very literal sense of an "angst with a happy ending" story. it's bittersweet, but in a way that sparks nostalgia and respect for the character and reader's experience.

but most importantly...

don't be afraid of angst!

as I wrote, many people are afraid angst. be it that some people get mad about sadder storylines, or writers feel intimidated to tread in less than positive literations.

truthfully, angst stories are important. I've always stressed that angst adds realism to your stories, but also, is one of the most profound story telling tools.

think of the beginning of UP, or Bing Bong from Inside Out. not only are both great Pixar movies, sadness is a crucial story telling device that creates the most precious bonds between the audience and the story that is unraveling.

empathy will bring you the best connection. be it a story of heartbreak, loss, trauma, or other pain or suffering that we can go through as people. we have all felt low in some way in our lives, and we can always see ourselves in the shoes of a character who is going through one of the most human experiences that we can have together.

yes. happiness and positivity is important. but don't be afraid or in denial of angst in a way that makes you incapable of processing or accepting when things get hard.

angst captures the strength of the human spirit, and humbles without exception.

as a writer, don't feel afraid to tell this stories that have these elements, as they capture so much about us or how we feel in ways other stories cannot.

it will seem challenging at first, but I promise, you will find a way to discover a good balance between angst and writing, but with a story that can go beyond screens or paper.

I wish you so much luck, anon!

if you want to ask anything else, my ask box is open, or you can DM me! otherwise, verai and the other authors listed will surely have good advice to boot my own!

stay safe, and I hope you can begin your literary adventures soon. 💛

hi! i'm a new writer interested in writing fanfics, and i have some deep, deep struggles on how to write a good fanfic tagged with "angst with happy ending". i'm struggling on when and how do we put the angst, when and how do we stop with the amount of angst, how many amount of angst is enough, and how to make this fanfic leave deep impression in the reader's mind. can you please help me with this? :(

Ohhhh boy. So. I... don’t do angst very well. I just don’t write it very often, so I’m very out of practice with it.

For me, the angst has to be just enough to elicit that feeling in the heart that makes tears prick the eyes. Then you come in with the soft warm fuzzy happy ending to make the reader feel better. As long as that angst has been earned and is reasonable, and isn’t the result of just simple miscommunication (because that particular trope bugs me the most). A truly angsty moment is when the characters come across a difficult decision that will harm the status quo, and they must choose what is the ‘greater good’, what will actually help bring a better outcome, usually at great personal cost.

For example, in my vampire fic, I made Female Reader make a difficult decision because even though it would bring her a lot of pain and terrible memories, she did it because she didn’t want Arthur to suffer. I guess that’s not really that angsty, that’s just making hard decisions... but that’s life, right? Angst, to me, comes from the agony caused by the decisions we make. Probably not the textbook definition of angst, but like I said, I don’t write it very often.

Others have a different way of writing angst, so let’s ask, shall we?

Perhaps someone can reblog with some good tips? (only if you have some free time, I understand y’all are busy!)

Tagging some writing buddies just to make sure they see this 😁:

@fangirl-ramblings @littlestarofthewest @shootybangbang @mileycyprus-hill @sunshinexlollipops @a-shakespearean-in-paris

[lightskinvibe]

Why I only act like a fangirl for GOT7

-They're not just GOT7. They're VISUAL7, TALENTED7, AEGYO7, LIT7, FUCKITUPPP7, EVERYTHINGAMAZING7 -But no really do y'all pay attention to their looks?? -NONE OF THEM LOOK BAD EVER. NOT EVEN STOP STOP IT ERA THEM -BamBam is a dank meme -But JB is too -And Mark lowkey -Don't forget Yugyeom -Actually let's just say they all are -The Naruto run in that one interview -Mark, Jackson and JB fly and twirl in the sexiest ways -OKAY BUT HAVE YOU EVER PAID ATTENTION TO THE MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO IN THE BACKGROUND OR THE STUFF YUGYEOM DANCES TO?? THEY LISTEN TO DRAKE AND JEFF BERNAT AND BRYSON TILLER LIKE I CANNOT EVEN 😩 -Yugyeom makes every stage he comes on pregnant -Like honestly, yes his sexy dance is sexy af no lie, but do y'all see how this guy never missed a beat? He catches EVERY BEAT IN THE SONG LIKE HIS DANCE ABILITY IS RIDICULOUS -But let me not leave out Jinyoung and JB's skills because dayum have you seen their moves? -And Jackson's -And Mark's -And Youngjae's -They all dance so well it hurts like I live for the choreography and their songs. I want to learn to dance to them all -All of their smiles. Because I feel the sun shine brighter when they smile. Like each one has their own unique smile and all of them are beautiful -BamBam pre glo and after glo. Both are just perfect -Jackson's fucking powerful ass freestyles. Like he's goofy af but he's really got the moves. Go Wang Puppy -Mark can fly -Mark is the visual out of a group of visuals -Mark's hairstyles -Mark's dancing. Really guys, who the hell said he was the weakest? Cause in every dance video, my eyes somehow get drawn to Mark at some point and I have to rewind because he drew me in with his dancing -Like before I noticed Mark, I noticed Mark's dancing -"Who's the red head with the moves? 👀" -His personality shows in his moves. They're fluid and easy going and it looks so easy to follow his moves. Until you actually try to -Then you realize these guys work hard af and Mark has the moves -Jackson with his hair down -He's literally a puppy. I mean a giant puppy for real -But then again they all kinda are -Except for Jinyoung -He reminds me of a kitten -And Yugyeom reminds me of a Golden Retriever sometimes and then a mouse the other -Cause Tom&Jerry -Jinyoung's dorky laugh -Jackson's high pitched laugh -The fact that when Mark laughs, it sounds like he's a child at a park having the most amazing time on the merry go round -It's so giddy and precious and makes him so innocent -HIT THE STAGE YUGYEOM -The migratory bird's laugh -BamBam's breathless laugh -JB's geek laugh -Youngjae laughs like a child being chased by the tickle monster -Yet another person who laughs like a kid having the time of his life -The fact that Youngjae is sunshine otter -The fact that no one can ever really rank members without feeling somewhat discontent because they're all so good at everything like -The rap line sings really well. Jackson is the most confident which shows in his voice. BamBam comes in second with that because he prefers to sing off key purposely to be the meme he is. And then Mark is just a shy bean. It's so cute and I know you're busy squealing at his cuteness and laughing till it hurts at BamBam, but really listen to them -Cause Mark and BamBam have the fucking vocals -While we're on the subject of vocals, JB's voice is so strong and soulful -Like you can tell that man listens to Musiq Soulchild because his voice carries alot of R&B traits -Youngjae made me think of Elliot Yamin the first time I heard his voice and then I find out he likes Elliot Yamin -Not saying they sound like them, but the music you listen to impacts how your voice sounds. And they both have very strong emotional R&B type voices -Lemme not leave Jinyoung out though -I can't really pinpoint a single genre for Jinyoung's voice. -But his voice has alot of emotion and soul -It's soooo underrated -Like have y'all heard his voice in Mr. Chu's chorus? Or in the Japanese version of Stay? Or in This Star?? -Which he wrote -Speaking of which, they write alot of their songs -And they're hits -All over the world -Jinyoung and Yugyeom's choreography skills -Jinyoung's acting -JB's acting - I love both but like... Jinyoung really gives me fucking chills -The fact that they took one of their self made memes and made it into a lit ass song -Youngjae's engrish -Youngjae period -The fact that so many people claim Youngjae is a weak dancer, when I can't seem to find this weak dancer -Like he can move forreal. He's shy about it but he can. He's weak with freestyle and that's cause he's shy. But weak dancer? Where?? Je n'ai comprend pas -Jinyoung's facial expressions -Mark's facial expressions -Both really speak well with their faces -Like Mark can just give a look and you just know what he has to say without him saying it -BamBam's cooking skills -Markson being bilingual on Star King -Like they remind me of two mischievous brothers. I can't ship them as anything but brothers honestly -Like they make me think of a cooler Zack and Cody -Mark is calm quiet -Jackson is loud and rowdy -They're like Yin Yang actually -Mark is calm and quiet but he has hyper and loud within him as well -And Jackson is the opposite -But back to the brothers thing. They're like two smart ass twins who cause good natured trouble -A little like Hikaru and Karou from OHSHC -Dream High 2. -Dream Knight -"A" Teasers -Their reactions to all 3 -Their reaction to Jackson's YouTube video on Weekly Idol -The fact that when Mark gets shy or overwhelmed, he unconsciously clings to or hides behind something -Or someone -Someone like the giant Maknae -They have a giant maknae -Jackson on Roomate -When Jackson's parents came on Christmas -Y'all I'm not an easy crier. But I was bawling -Because Jackson, despite how popular and rowdy and everywhere he is -He's still this amazing kid who loves to be in mommy's arms -He loves his parents so much -The way he lights up with them -I saw a clip where he was in between both his parents -He couldn't keep the smile off his face -Even when he wasn't smiling you felt the light and smile radiating from him -Speaking of smiles... Jackson has bunny teeth -It's so precious -Mark has shark teeth -I have a thing for guys with pretty eyes and pretty smiles so when Mark and Jackson smile... Jesus -JB's eyes. They're extremely cute. Especially when he's in puppy mode (Puppy mode=Hair down and in it's natural state) -The fact that BamBam puts on makeup, but then takes it off and looks the exact same -Except tanner. Which isn't bad at all because his skin tone looks amazing on him -BamBam's legs -Yugyeom's legs -Mark's butt and legs -Jackson's thighs -The fact that Jinyoung is a tease with the clothes he wears showing he does in fact have this bomb ass body but never taking off his clothes and showing us said body -But that's okay because these boys don't need to strip to bring appeal to them. We die when they just breathe -The fact that this could go on forever because they're really amazing and everything. -I'll state a few more and then go to sleep cause it's 4am and bitch I'm dying -Flight Log. All three. Beautiful. -The guitar playing in Flight Log: Departure ( DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN LISTEN TO A FULL COVER CAUSE I REALLY HAVE A THING FOR ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND PIANO) -Youngjae's trance when he plays piano -Yugyeom's trance when he dances -JB and Jinyoung's trance when they sing -Mark's trance period -They love what they do so much that it makes me happy to understand how much they love it -The aura when Yugyeom is being a lil shit and goofing off around his hyungs vs. His aura when he's performing his dance moves -Like Hit The Stage had me shook. His whole aura changed. Maknae my ass. He became daddy -The fact that I can say alot about GOT7 without sounding too creepy or too mature because I was born in 1999 -Youngjae's shyness -Everytime they're on Weekly Idol -Everytime they're on a variety show period -Law Of The Jungle -Mark's Hyper Time -IGOT7 -REAL GOT7 -Just right summer -Youngjae is a visual -GOT7 dissing 2PM -Their reaction when a member of 2PM came out while they were dissing them -Like they all screamed and ran to the other side of the studio like toddlers. So precious -The fact that within the first 5 minutes of IGOT7 episode one, BamBam had us swooning by moving to shyly stand in the corner cause he was overwhelmed by all the cameras -Signal to their pastselves -"ANDWEE?!! ANDWEEEE!!" *Voice cracks* -"This is 2015." " It's 2016." 0.0... "They said it's 2016." -Jackson going off on himself in 3 different languages -"Do you even understand what I'm saying right now?? STUDY KOREAN." -"RAMEYOOOOON (Furious)" -" NEVER ACT CUTE" -"Here.... It is 2016. And you are.....living a really boring life. Do something. Whatever... *Smiles pitifully*" -"Better just not make a comeback period." -DON'T FALL ASLEEP IN THE HAIR SALON -Jinyoung is an little devil -"Did you hear that? He said he's going to kill me." -Jackson's heart -Mark tried to save a fan from a falling light fixture -The fact that Mark is an idol but is so humble and down to earth -"Don't just walk off. Make sure the cameras see you too." -Mark, who cares not for appearing on broadcast, but on being a helpful silent hardworking child. Bless him -Idol life never changed any of them. They're all humble great boys. -"Hyung! Do you believe in me?!" "YES!" "...BUT I WOULD LIKE TO APPEAR ON BROADCAST!" -"BABYBABYBABYBABY-BABYBABY!" -Follow Me -Yugyeom and BamBam are fanboys -They're the best of friends -It's beautiful to watch how close they are -All of them really -No one is left out -They are the definition of "Ohana means family and family means 'No one gets left behind'" -Stan them and everything about them -Because these 7 dorks... The way they are. The things they do. They not only entertain you, but they make you wanna be great too. It's amazing really -They are

[perfectlycasualbluebird-blog]

Post-Grad

Many times this year I’ve tried to pinpoint the moment when a great sadness sprouted within me and slowly filled the cracks of my being. I view my sadness as a dragon in the sea that calls me to it and that, weirdly, I’m friends with. When the sadness comes it’s like waking up from a grand dream and realizing that the world is a large diorama. I cannot explain the feeling, except to say that sometimes when I’m outside I feel like I’ve only moved into another room. I usually put it to the second year that I lived in Massachusetts, and my father lost his job. We had moved to a different part of the country for this job, and he was fired as a demonstration that “changes are being made”, never mind that he was the one making the changes. I remember that week vividly. I remember being called into the basement, the room in the basement with all windows, and being told that my father had lost his job, and that likely we would have to move again. Seems traumatic enough to kickstart depression. But then I think about when I was in elementary school, and I went down into a different basement, and stood in my father’s office doorway and asked him if he ever got overwhelmed by the fact that we all grow up. I remember seeing the timeline of my life clearly, and how closely it followed the timeline of everyone’s life - milestones would be reached, houses lived in, birthdays had, and we would all inconsolably move upwards and onwards. I was somewhere around the fifth grade. I remember him saying yes. I think this sadness has always been a part of me. It’s almost sweet, almost nice, as if its aim is to seduce you before it suffocates you. It won’t go away, either. It’s part of my DNA.

I finished college and I’m ecstatic sometimes. I think about the fact that I’ve started the rest of my life, but that weirdly it just feels like I haven’t slept in my own bed for a while because I’ve been celebrating with family and friends. And now I’m here in the same coffee shop in which I wrote a letter to James about God. And I should be looking for a full time job and a house and a car, but I’m smelling the carpet of the basement I inhabited in fifth grade, and I think about how the very fundamental existence of life overwhelmed me. Life, at least mine, is fundamentally sad and lonely, and every effort to make it otherwise is an attempt to escape that truth. At this point I feel it is tantamount that I specify that I am not, nor have I ever been, suicidal. Only that most of life is spent alone, and not in any metaphorical sense. I mean when you finish college and you’re on a different path than your friends you literally spend most of your days by yourself. And most of the time it’s fine - half of the time you’re just happy to watch the depths of youtube without judgement, but the other half is dark and ambiguous. I only wish to convey that this is ok, and that I’m going to be ok, and that acknowledging these feelings is not acknowledging defeat. It is also not the beginning of a great journey to eradicate these feelings. I have a bottle full of SSRI’s and years of therapy to tell you that this is the good version. I also want to say that I have diagnosed depression, so if this isn’t your normal that’s good too.

Anyway, I only wish to show another perspective because not everyone is doing awesome right now, but that’s ok. It’s also not your problem to fix, because most of the time the reason you haven’t seen that side of it for your particular grad is because it a) isn’t true for them or b) they aren’t too cut up about these feelings, and would rather celebrate with you.

Hey! Is this the first time you’re acknowledging these feelings? Welcome to the club! You’ll find some of the funniest, kindest, coolest people in this club. It is not shameful or a failure, nor is it your fault that you aren’t “appreciating life enough”. It is also going to get way better for you, and that is something to get excited about. My suggestion is that you go to your doctor and say that you want to get tested for depression and anxiety. They’re going to give you a survey - answer honestly! This isn’t the time to be brave and downplay your emotions. If you have depression or anxiety, you’ll go through options there. The good news is, at the moment, most insurance covers meds, and most insurance covers some part of mental health. It really helps!

Are you in crisis? I.e. are you having scattered thoughts? Trouble focusing? Can’t stop crying? Having a hard time breathing or slowing your heart rate? Something similar to this? Are you having suicidal thoughts? Call: 800-273-TALK (8255) - it’s what they do, they’re here for you with zero judgement and maximum anonymity.